Quarterly Update from the Minister of Expenditure Harmony
Delivered by: Jorin Rensar
PHASE Office of Numerical Continuity and Asset Sentiment
Location: Alignment Auditorium B, Sector 4
Subject: Q2-2025 Harmonization of Funds, Intentions, and Consequences
As Observed on the Thirty-First Day of the Fifth Phase, Year of Work 2025
Good afternoon, aligned participants.
Fellow Stabilizers,
I come before you today—not burdened, but buoyed—by the immense opportunity presented to us in the form of unprecedented financial disarray.
Let me begin with the obvious: $33 million. A number whispered with fear in some corners of government, but here at PHASE, we embrace it like a toddler clutches a glowing, humming fuse box. Yes, our sibling agency, the Virginia Department of Health, misplaced these funds with the confident finesse of a magician flinging doves into a ceiling fan. And yet—what is loss, if not potential, unclaimed?
In that spirit, I am pleased to report that PHASE remains solvent, compliant, and spiritually aligned, largely because we do not believe in numbers as static entities, but as living affirmations of purpose. While others scramble to plug leaks with apologies, we have installed waterfalls and called it wellness.
🔹 On our harmony with grant oversight:
Where others “fail to follow required cash management policy three years in a row,” we at PHASE have innovated a system of Deferred Numeral Manifestation. That is, we believe all money will eventually show up. Somewhere. In theory.
🔹 Regarding our federal partners:
Yes, the EPA no longer pre-funds VDH projects and insists on reimbursement-only protocols. But let us not see this as a lack of trust. Instead, view it as an invitation to prove our worth one invoice at a time. Repeatedly. Forever.
🔹 Staffing levels:
We continue to benefit from efficient understaffing, also known as “lean governance.” While VDH reports 100-day hiring delays, we have circumvented this issue entirely by embracing vacancies as permanent conditions—ghost chairs that cost nothing and complain even less.
🔹 Operational sustainability:
Our Office of Moisture Relevance has redirected all hydration initiatives away from Richmond’s water supply—now classified as “noncommittally potable”—and toward our newly secured Strategic Inventory of Slightly Superior Liquids™(SISSL).
🔹 Morale:
Spirits remain high. Or at least unmeasured. And what is not measured cannot decline.
🔹 Reform and Realignment:
Following the shocking revelation that financial accountability was optional for over a decade, we’ve instituted several corrective measures, including:
- The creation of the Office of Remembering Where the Money Went (ORMW)
- The renaming of “Deficit” to “Forward-Looking Abundance Placeholder”
- A new quarterly tradition: The Ritual of Fiscal Catharsis, during which we burn failed grant proposals to honor our past errors and distract auditors.
In conclusion, fellow executors of the Path,
While the public reels from “mismanagement,” we in PHASE recognize that true stewardship is not measured in dollars, but in how confidently one pretends to know what dollars are.
Let this quarter be remembered not for what was lost, but for how beautifully we described it.
With Numbers and Nobility,
Jorin Rensar
Minister of Expenditure Harmony
“It balanced in the spreadsheet. That is enough.”